A Profound Sense of Melancholy
I have spent the last few days with A Profound Sense of Melancholy hanging over me. I have passed the years immersed in my schooling and in my own personal aspirations. Now I open my "early years" photo album and flick through, paying attention to none in particular. But for one photo.
Just one.
The one with the baby-blonde hair, one knee knelt in the grass. Behind is an expanse of short-cut grass, and then a backdrop of dense trees filling up the picture.
I've just looked up from playing in the grass, with the most innocent smile you've ever seen. One of pure happiness.
Nothing else in the world matters. I'm happy here just playing in the grass.
I have no words to describe the sense of happiness this photo gives me, but even more so the melancholy along with it.
Suddenly I'm seventeen. How the hell did this happen? Time is passing too quickly. How will I be ready for University in a year's time?
The past few days, as I've gone about my daily things, no matter what, the image of innocence comes to my mind, and I can't shake it. And when it does, I can't help but feel this Profound Sense of Melancholy. I feel like my freedom is gone from me. School, home, homework, school, home, homework, school, home, homework, again, again, again. I've been at this for twelve years now.
Is it too much to ask for someone to invent a time-machine? Why can't we travel back to when nothing mattered?
Why does seeing pure, innocent happiness make my eyes water? Yet I continue to gaze at the photo.
And I don't know why I can't shake this Profound Sense of Melancholy.
3 comments:
There is little as painful and bitter-sweet as nostalgia. I get that feeling too when I think of certain videogames as there's ties to them. My mum making me chicken noodle soup while I try to beat a vampire game on SEGA (couldn't switch it off) or telling me what was happening in this Roman series she was reading while I played 007. I don't know why but a lot of my nostalgia is tied up in videogames (sad, ain't it?).
I've found that the best way to deal with Nostalgic Melancholy is to put your mind ten years from now. Imagine you're thirty and all the differences between 30 and 17. Then think of all the things you'd miss. What would make you nostalgia about being 17? Friends you might move away from? Your back yard? That 15-year-old pet? Then when you're feeling thoroughly nostalgic, remind yourself that it's all still there.
Hmm, looking back on my comment it makes it seem like a platitude. There might be a lot that's bothering you right now and a lot of stressors that a simple retrospective look won't fix. It's just that the trick does help for me and I figured it might for you.
Thanks for your insight. It's very interesting to see it from someone else's point of view.
I'm sorry for your Melancholy. I hope it either passes or eases, whichever you'd prefer.
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